A missionary told me of woman who was disfigured from trying to commit suicide. I was thinking if her trials were not bad enough. However she now has the will to live.
My mother in law has asked to me journal about losing my will to live when I was suffering. She thinks I was strong and will encourage others but folks here is the truth. I seriously felt I was a burden and that my disease made tired and stressed and fell easier to temptation. I could not keep a temple like home.
Put anything to my marriage and my child who had soo much energy was sleeping from taking care of her mama and her father who thought she was to step up and take care of my half of the chores.I may not of physically tried to take my life but I went to bed hoping I would not wake up and went to surgery feeling safe to go to the spirit world. Which I think freaked my husbands mom out the most, Including the fact that I have journals all over the house with testimonies or letters to her just incase and was done years before diagnoses of my disease.This is what I figure.1. I was probably in need of atonement really bad before he could take me at the time.2. I was not educated enough to teach in the spirit world yet.Heres what else I know.
In my life. I have drowned twice that I remember and one time died. I know I visited my uncle levert who told me it was not my time yet and to go back and lots of people who looked similar to grandma greeted me. They wanted me stay, but go, and told me they loved me, and would be waiting. I floated back down and I watched my mom give up on giving me CPR and my sister take over.
I don't remember what it was I did. I do remember hearing hearing the metal scrape. The cold round spot on my head. The loud clack that caused me to pee my pants with then made her cock it and pull the trigger several more times and then yell at about she thought he kept it loaded and he apologized that he cleaned it the night before. When she realized I wet myself carried me by my hair to the shower where she hurriedly took off my clothes and stabbed my stomach with her fingernail and I got in trouble for getting blood everywhere. I have a scar from that puncture.
YEP, My step dad always kept it loaded. He had cleaned it the night before and forgot to reload it. He did not know why my mom was yelling at him about it not being loaded when he told her that. She tried to keep it secret of what she done except I had peed my pants. So she was trying to get me bathe super fast to wash my clothes and hide what she had done. In the process she stabbed me with her nail while jerking me around. What real bad is I have no idea what I did. I do remember thinking it was because I was not a boy and my step dad favored boys ( according to my mom). Thats why I was always acting like a tom boy. The more of a boy I was the happier and more satisfied my mother was.
I was almost ran over by a car once. I say almost because an angel lifted me up and over the car and gently set me down. I remember feeling the voice saying jump I got you. I remember the man stopping his car and seeing I was perfectly fine and I told him of the angel and he agreed it was.
I Have over dosed. I no longer was loved by anyone. I was just there. My brother told me he hated me. My mother. Her x husband accused me it was because of me she found out he was cheating with my best friend's mom. I cant remember what else it was pretty sad. My brother who hated me saved my life. I remembered all those times mom refused to take me to the hospital. My ear half torn or what not and thought," man I bettered think of something quick so they don't hospitalize me." So I said I was trying to get rid of a cold faster. Epicac and charcoal. Good stuff. NOT!
ok lets skip all the in between stuff there is lots more lets get to more recent.
The poison that may of most likely help trigger my disease. I was sick for two week's but sad for her I lived. It weakened my immune system so much I got adult chicken pox. There called something else.
My disease eating my body left raw meat exposed. This in turn causes toxicity. Heavenly father heard my prayers and sent me ideas for diets and people to help with that.Those diets kept my body flushed and even nutrition and vitamins were actually leaking out of my body the diet kept me alive.(this is an assumption and may change as I learn more which happens often and I get more facts in and the miracle becomes more clear )
Surgeon saves me from toxicity. At this time I have a never ending yeast infection. Occasionally treated for staph that was normal stuff that couldn't hurt anyone but my body refused to fight it.
I woke every day. I was inspired to live. I always felt loved even when I was exhausted. He just didn't take me though he could have but he continually told me have faith in me. You have a purpose. Be strong for me. I know your pain.
On the surgery table my anesthesiologist had to work with my now teeny body that was last weighed when I was heavier. A nurse sat by my bed and reminded me to breath it was not my time to go. I must of listened...or did I and I was not allowed to go?
However I do feel my time is soon. The lord tells me this healing is temporary. He tells me to prepare my family and my home. He must be telling my mother in law as well.
All these chances he has given me to try again to be the daughter I want to be for him. I hope it aligns with the daughter he wants me to be because he sure has worked many miracles to keep me around.
Seriously!
So be strong. Be strong enough to not be healed if its his will. He has a plan and it might be missionary work in the spirit world or your spirit mate.
We all have a purpose. we all have timeline for it.
Some get many chances like me but others may not. Heavenly Father takes you at your best. You don't.
A lil tidbit
You know it all sounds bad but I think it made me strong.
When I was in the military One of the Drill Sergeants hated my guts and I did not know because I seriously admired him to pieces. He was a short little man who was super strong. Turns out they called me in the office one day to ask why I was not scared of them like the rest of the newbies.
I gave them a checklist.
#1.You have to feed me at least once a day with an MRE I have gone hungry and lived off a candy bar and a soda for a long time.
#2. You Have to provide a roof over my head even if its a tent. I have been homeless and slept on fairground bleachers and it was cold.
#3. You cant hit me like they use to. My grandpa is deaf in one ear from his basic training and I still decided to join. If you do decide to hit me. you will meet my mom and no one is as scary as my mom. They stopped picking on me after that.
End of tidbit
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