Sunday, October 4, 2015
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Constellations
I remember as a kid looking at what my granpa told me were angel kisses all over my body. Moles and freckles. It was around the time I was learning about constellations. If they were angel kisses that made a lot of sense to me because several of my freckles looked exactly like my favorite constellations.
My mom caught me in the tub several times with pens or markers connecting the dots trying to see just how much my body aligned with the stars.
This thought came to me when i realized a major mole was removed during the reshaping of my armpits. They were worried it was going to be cancerous from an early age because it kept getting so big. I do not miss the big mole and Thankfully while in the shower suffering from anxiety and grief of my missing body parts I realize now that looking at the constellations on my arm without even acknowledging why or that what it was had brought me comfort.
now here is something else quite strange. The constellation on my arm happens to be on the state flag I now reside in. I wonder if I Christ had a star that led to him if people followed this constellation if it would lead them to me. No I am not claiming to be any near what he is but I fancy any similarities. I am always looking for signs that he is thinking of me and loves me. I am hoping I am always trying to show him the same.
I also remember sharing with my half sister my constellations and we discussed our angel kisses because my sister is a red head and she was not as fond of hers as I am of mine. I told her oh she had so many more angels looking after her than I did and she was really loved. we found out them we also had matching or extremely very similar birthmarks. which of course was very exciting being half sisters made us feel more of a bond with each other.
I grew up surrounded by red heads covered with angel kisses I was a blonde and what made mine special was that mine were constellations.
My mom caught me in the tub several times with pens or markers connecting the dots trying to see just how much my body aligned with the stars.
This thought came to me when i realized a major mole was removed during the reshaping of my armpits. They were worried it was going to be cancerous from an early age because it kept getting so big. I do not miss the big mole and Thankfully while in the shower suffering from anxiety and grief of my missing body parts I realize now that looking at the constellations on my arm without even acknowledging why or that what it was had brought me comfort.
now here is something else quite strange. The constellation on my arm happens to be on the state flag I now reside in. I wonder if I Christ had a star that led to him if people followed this constellation if it would lead them to me. No I am not claiming to be any near what he is but I fancy any similarities. I am always looking for signs that he is thinking of me and loves me. I am hoping I am always trying to show him the same.
I also remember sharing with my half sister my constellations and we discussed our angel kisses because my sister is a red head and she was not as fond of hers as I am of mine. I told her oh she had so many more angels looking after her than I did and she was really loved. we found out them we also had matching or extremely very similar birthmarks. which of course was very exciting being half sisters made us feel more of a bond with each other.
I grew up surrounded by red heads covered with angel kisses I was a blonde and what made mine special was that mine were constellations.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
You asked for disease?..... hehe YEP, sort of
I had prayed to loose weight and to do anything that would motivate me to do so.
I prayed to ease Christs burden in anyway I could if I can take upon his name let me help take upon his pain. Yes I am aware we do not have to go that far because his suffering already happened but I also think that That the beginning and the end knows all and he may of known and I was willing and eased it for his son. Though I know its probably not the point but it my way of showing of affection and it gives me strength. I know heavenly father has his purpose for me but this is my way of feeling like I am fulfilling a purpose too. No matter what I know my pain and endurance is righteous even if its fulfilling only heavenly fathers plan.
I also asked that all family curses ( if there is a such thing) would end with me. To help stop the long line of abuse and other illnesses and give it all to me so my child could live a Happy life. She is not exactly healthy either having Schonlein Purpura and allergies to dust mites and few animals plus ADHD and few learning challenges and extreme learning strengths.
I will continue to add on here as I remember them. I am sure there is more and that is the reason why Heavenly Father felt that I could handle it and serve his purpose for me even if it was absorbency of pain for others. A gift which I felt I always had.
The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central
The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central
Why I am sharing this? Its about death what does it have to do with me?
I seen so many people morn their own lives.
I have done it and even when I mourned my life I mourned again after having pieces of my body removed. It also gave me extreme anxiety to face my reality.
As anyone who has faced the loss of a loved one we too will experience all the same symptoms even though we are not dead.
I also experienced the stages of grief when my daughter was diagnosed with special needs. I started out in denial swearing it was a misdiagnoses.
same with my disease.
Then laid blame by shaming myself of all my wrongs and what made me deserve it.
A tidbit
It took a good lecture from a nurse to tell me
YOU ARE NOT THE DISEASE!
YOU ARE YOU AND YOU HAVE A DISEASE!
YOU DID NOT ASK FOR YOUR DISEASE.... ( in an off sort of way I sort of did in strange prayer request to Heavenly Father but I am odd and I am sure others were not as crazy as me and I did not specifically ask for a disease but it sure did make me do everything I asked for)
The disease gave you bills and appointments and special diet. you did not choose it.
ITS NOT WHO YOU ARE! you are a nice, caring person who does good by others. ( aww thank you * blushes*)
Then she apologizes. "I take offense you apologized when speaking the words of the spirit who was using you as a mouthpiece." and I said it just like that. It was her turn to blush.
A tidbit done
Anyway the point is the grief stages are true and they will be worked through until you feel better and there is no shame asking your doctor for help if you are experiencing depression or can not get over a stage of grief once you realize it.
Why I am sharing this? Its about death what does it have to do with me?
I seen so many people morn their own lives.
I have done it and even when I mourned my life I mourned again after having pieces of my body removed. It also gave me extreme anxiety to face my reality.
As anyone who has faced the loss of a loved one we too will experience all the same symptoms even though we are not dead.
I also experienced the stages of grief when my daughter was diagnosed with special needs. I started out in denial swearing it was a misdiagnoses.
same with my disease.
Then laid blame by shaming myself of all my wrongs and what made me deserve it.
A tidbit
It took a good lecture from a nurse to tell me
YOU ARE NOT THE DISEASE!
YOU ARE YOU AND YOU HAVE A DISEASE!
YOU DID NOT ASK FOR YOUR DISEASE.... ( in an off sort of way I sort of did in strange prayer request to Heavenly Father but I am odd and I am sure others were not as crazy as me and I did not specifically ask for a disease but it sure did make me do everything I asked for)
The disease gave you bills and appointments and special diet. you did not choose it.
ITS NOT WHO YOU ARE! you are a nice, caring person who does good by others. ( aww thank you * blushes*)
Then she apologizes. "I take offense you apologized when speaking the words of the spirit who was using you as a mouthpiece." and I said it just like that. It was her turn to blush.
A tidbit done
Anyway the point is the grief stages are true and they will be worked through until you feel better and there is no shame asking your doctor for help if you are experiencing depression or can not get over a stage of grief once you realize it.
My dietary choices
I was an obese woman who very short and ate her feelings and was suffering with depression from her painful disease. I weighed two times more than I did when I was pregnant with my first child.
I had tried many diets and exercise regimens.
My disease got so painful I couldn't move anymore. Doctors said loosing weight affects my disease and even though many others who have this disease disagree with that, I agreed with the docs. Watching a cyst boil up through all that thick fat took time and made them real deep. Since I was not aware of my 2nd disease at the time I thought it was my weight preventing me from moving and I had lost the strength to move my own weight.
Lots of praying and fasting about eating and being healthy occurred, Lots and lots of research waiting for the spirit to give me a sign of what will work for me and my body.
I came across a girl with an autoimmune disorder who blogged about her diet and what worked for her and the spirit seemed to make the blogger sing to me. I found other bloggers with similar diets that worked for there diseases too. Now to be fair I will let you know in advance I do suspect that blogger of being LDS like me.
In her blog she was all about going Gluten free in another it was all about Paleo. I was like oh I recognize this I tried a similar diet called The 14 day diet. It did not work for me because I thought I was having withdrawals from grains. The spirit though said do this. Then out of the blue a pop up occurred on my computer about sugar. It explained people have withdrawals from sugar because of candida. Instead of seeing the obvious I look up candida because it was also good timing I was suffering real badly of all kinds of fungus situations and even suspected my disease might actually be a fungus too and maybe I was misdiagnosed.
I go on the candida diet and heed its warning of candida die off and the toxins it releases when it dies.
Several of my awful symptoms were from candida. I followed the plan and got tons better after suffering from die off for three days. ii had mass energy return me. Then i got it into my head this diet was dandy but i just needed really good probiotics to keep candida in check but heres the thing:Probiotics are expensive and remembering to take them twice a day was hard.
i had even researched the natural method of getting them but remember i do not have mobility or energy to make them. however sauerkraut was super fun to make.
I came across a health website of diets for autoimmune diseases and finally went gluten free. it was easy because several friends of mine in the church were gluten free too and I would cook for them and did my research on their dietary needs. I loved it because now they could come over and eat what I was eating and we could share recipes. It made church potlucks way more enjoyable.
a lil tidbit
I was a cook in the Army and I also had worked for a Sanitation and food company as well as a catering company that had me run my own kitchen on the Train for a summer. while working those jobs I was approached about being a nutritionist by two different people. The one for a hospital making foods special order for dietary needs and The welfare office. i giggle as i write this because years later i have an issue with a welfare dietician after my mass amounts of research on diets.
End of tidbit
Ok now I am Gluten free and taking probiotics and I still do not feel as good as I did when I was on the Candida diet.
Then I get strep throat and my disease just disappears. My wounds start healing super fast my lumps go away but my throat is real bad. real real bad. I take medicine for the strep and my disease returns with a vengeance. Its a whole new stage.
I am trying herbs, I am on pain pills, I am gluten free on probiotics, taking tons of vitamins and supplements and even drinking strange fruit juice that is believed to fight cancer. Drinking alkaline waters and a bunch of other things. I even started heading to my first step in the right direction of cutting out sodas that were made with sugar and used stevia instead.
I got real big on the oils because I could not wear deodorant not having much of armpits anymore and the fact they helped keep my wounds free of infection.
I was still looking though. Then one day a lady friend of mine came up to me and says I hope I am not intruding on privacy or anything but I would really like to introduce you to dietician of mine and your first visit would be free because I recommended you to him. She told me how he had saved her husbands life with a diet plan and her and her husband had a lot of spunk for thier age.
Finally after a long while I make an appointment. He has me fill out a worksheet. Why I do not know because I am pretty sure his diet plan is the same for everyone.
Guess what Its super easy. Its super cheap. You loose tons of weight FAST! Its super Healthy and it follows the LDS words of wisdom.
You will start of with the elimination diet...... but I had already done it.
So all that was left was to follow his instructions. Eat an all natural diet. No preservatives, no science word ingrediants, no coloring. No milling, no processed foods. For me also no corn, no soy, and sugar is processed he reminds so no sugar either. Heres the bummer too. Most Cocoa is processed. No more chocolate either.
All foods must be in its natural state fresh, frozen,dried, or preserved with an all natural whole food or mineral.
Guess what folks this means your grocery store begins to look ridiculously big and holds lots of garbage foods. You will shop spices, freezer, meats and produce. Since fruit can not be ground or blended no juice, just water or fruit pieces in your water.
Lemonade became a cheat for me with honey or maple syrup oh yah watered down lemonade was sooooooo good.
dehydrated yogurt raisins or nuts is my favorite snack along with flash dried veggies that I eat at the movies in place of corn.
I am spoiled in the summer with baked peaches and apples with butter and honey and cinnamon. oooh yah :D
I had tried many diets and exercise regimens.
My disease got so painful I couldn't move anymore. Doctors said loosing weight affects my disease and even though many others who have this disease disagree with that, I agreed with the docs. Watching a cyst boil up through all that thick fat took time and made them real deep. Since I was not aware of my 2nd disease at the time I thought it was my weight preventing me from moving and I had lost the strength to move my own weight.
Lots of praying and fasting about eating and being healthy occurred, Lots and lots of research waiting for the spirit to give me a sign of what will work for me and my body.
I came across a girl with an autoimmune disorder who blogged about her diet and what worked for her and the spirit seemed to make the blogger sing to me. I found other bloggers with similar diets that worked for there diseases too. Now to be fair I will let you know in advance I do suspect that blogger of being LDS like me.
In her blog she was all about going Gluten free in another it was all about Paleo. I was like oh I recognize this I tried a similar diet called The 14 day diet. It did not work for me because I thought I was having withdrawals from grains. The spirit though said do this. Then out of the blue a pop up occurred on my computer about sugar. It explained people have withdrawals from sugar because of candida. Instead of seeing the obvious I look up candida because it was also good timing I was suffering real badly of all kinds of fungus situations and even suspected my disease might actually be a fungus too and maybe I was misdiagnosed.
I go on the candida diet and heed its warning of candida die off and the toxins it releases when it dies.
Several of my awful symptoms were from candida. I followed the plan and got tons better after suffering from die off for three days. ii had mass energy return me. Then i got it into my head this diet was dandy but i just needed really good probiotics to keep candida in check but heres the thing:Probiotics are expensive and remembering to take them twice a day was hard.
i had even researched the natural method of getting them but remember i do not have mobility or energy to make them. however sauerkraut was super fun to make.
I came across a health website of diets for autoimmune diseases and finally went gluten free. it was easy because several friends of mine in the church were gluten free too and I would cook for them and did my research on their dietary needs. I loved it because now they could come over and eat what I was eating and we could share recipes. It made church potlucks way more enjoyable.
a lil tidbit
I was a cook in the Army and I also had worked for a Sanitation and food company as well as a catering company that had me run my own kitchen on the Train for a summer. while working those jobs I was approached about being a nutritionist by two different people. The one for a hospital making foods special order for dietary needs and The welfare office. i giggle as i write this because years later i have an issue with a welfare dietician after my mass amounts of research on diets.
End of tidbit
Ok now I am Gluten free and taking probiotics and I still do not feel as good as I did when I was on the Candida diet.
Then I get strep throat and my disease just disappears. My wounds start healing super fast my lumps go away but my throat is real bad. real real bad. I take medicine for the strep and my disease returns with a vengeance. Its a whole new stage.
I am trying herbs, I am on pain pills, I am gluten free on probiotics, taking tons of vitamins and supplements and even drinking strange fruit juice that is believed to fight cancer. Drinking alkaline waters and a bunch of other things. I even started heading to my first step in the right direction of cutting out sodas that were made with sugar and used stevia instead.
I got real big on the oils because I could not wear deodorant not having much of armpits anymore and the fact they helped keep my wounds free of infection.
I was still looking though. Then one day a lady friend of mine came up to me and says I hope I am not intruding on privacy or anything but I would really like to introduce you to dietician of mine and your first visit would be free because I recommended you to him. She told me how he had saved her husbands life with a diet plan and her and her husband had a lot of spunk for thier age.
Finally after a long while I make an appointment. He has me fill out a worksheet. Why I do not know because I am pretty sure his diet plan is the same for everyone.
Guess what Its super easy. Its super cheap. You loose tons of weight FAST! Its super Healthy and it follows the LDS words of wisdom.
You will start of with the elimination diet...... but I had already done it.
So all that was left was to follow his instructions. Eat an all natural diet. No preservatives, no science word ingrediants, no coloring. No milling, no processed foods. For me also no corn, no soy, and sugar is processed he reminds so no sugar either. Heres the bummer too. Most Cocoa is processed. No more chocolate either.
All foods must be in its natural state fresh, frozen,dried, or preserved with an all natural whole food or mineral.
Guess what folks this means your grocery store begins to look ridiculously big and holds lots of garbage foods. You will shop spices, freezer, meats and produce. Since fruit can not be ground or blended no juice, just water or fruit pieces in your water.
Lemonade became a cheat for me with honey or maple syrup oh yah watered down lemonade was sooooooo good.
dehydrated yogurt raisins or nuts is my favorite snack along with flash dried veggies that I eat at the movies in place of corn.
I am spoiled in the summer with baked peaches and apples with butter and honey and cinnamon. oooh yah :D
The will to live and have a purpose
A missionary told me of woman who was disfigured from trying to commit suicide. I was thinking if her trials were not bad enough. However she now has the will to live.
My mother in law has asked to me journal about losing my will to live when I was suffering. She thinks I was strong and will encourage others but folks here is the truth. I seriously felt I was a burden and that my disease made tired and stressed and fell easier to temptation. I could not keep a temple like home.
Put anything to my marriage and my child who had soo much energy was sleeping from taking care of her mama and her father who thought she was to step up and take care of my half of the chores.I may not of physically tried to take my life but I went to bed hoping I would not wake up and went to surgery feeling safe to go to the spirit world. Which I think freaked my husbands mom out the most, Including the fact that I have journals all over the house with testimonies or letters to her just incase and was done years before diagnoses of my disease.This is what I figure.1. I was probably in need of atonement really bad before he could take me at the time.2. I was not educated enough to teach in the spirit world yet.Heres what else I know.
In my life. I have drowned twice that I remember and one time died. I know I visited my uncle levert who told me it was not my time yet and to go back and lots of people who looked similar to grandma greeted me. They wanted me stay, but go, and told me they loved me, and would be waiting. I floated back down and I watched my mom give up on giving me CPR and my sister take over.
I don't remember what it was I did. I do remember hearing hearing the metal scrape. The cold round spot on my head. The loud clack that caused me to pee my pants with then made her cock it and pull the trigger several more times and then yell at about she thought he kept it loaded and he apologized that he cleaned it the night before. When she realized I wet myself carried me by my hair to the shower where she hurriedly took off my clothes and stabbed my stomach with her fingernail and I got in trouble for getting blood everywhere. I have a scar from that puncture.
YEP, My step dad always kept it loaded. He had cleaned it the night before and forgot to reload it. He did not know why my mom was yelling at him about it not being loaded when he told her that. She tried to keep it secret of what she done except I had peed my pants. So she was trying to get me bathe super fast to wash my clothes and hide what she had done. In the process she stabbed me with her nail while jerking me around. What real bad is I have no idea what I did. I do remember thinking it was because I was not a boy and my step dad favored boys ( according to my mom). Thats why I was always acting like a tom boy. The more of a boy I was the happier and more satisfied my mother was.
I was almost ran over by a car once. I say almost because an angel lifted me up and over the car and gently set me down. I remember feeling the voice saying jump I got you. I remember the man stopping his car and seeing I was perfectly fine and I told him of the angel and he agreed it was.
I Have over dosed. I no longer was loved by anyone. I was just there. My brother told me he hated me. My mother. Her x husband accused me it was because of me she found out he was cheating with my best friend's mom. I cant remember what else it was pretty sad. My brother who hated me saved my life. I remembered all those times mom refused to take me to the hospital. My ear half torn or what not and thought," man I bettered think of something quick so they don't hospitalize me." So I said I was trying to get rid of a cold faster. Epicac and charcoal. Good stuff. NOT!
ok lets skip all the in between stuff there is lots more lets get to more recent.
The poison that may of most likely help trigger my disease. I was sick for two week's but sad for her I lived. It weakened my immune system so much I got adult chicken pox. There called something else.
My disease eating my body left raw meat exposed. This in turn causes toxicity. Heavenly father heard my prayers and sent me ideas for diets and people to help with that.Those diets kept my body flushed and even nutrition and vitamins were actually leaking out of my body the diet kept me alive.(this is an assumption and may change as I learn more which happens often and I get more facts in and the miracle becomes more clear )
Surgeon saves me from toxicity. At this time I have a never ending yeast infection. Occasionally treated for staph that was normal stuff that couldn't hurt anyone but my body refused to fight it.
I woke every day. I was inspired to live. I always felt loved even when I was exhausted. He just didn't take me though he could have but he continually told me have faith in me. You have a purpose. Be strong for me. I know your pain.
On the surgery table my anesthesiologist had to work with my now teeny body that was last weighed when I was heavier. A nurse sat by my bed and reminded me to breath it was not my time to go. I must of listened...or did I and I was not allowed to go?
However I do feel my time is soon. The lord tells me this healing is temporary. He tells me to prepare my family and my home. He must be telling my mother in law as well.
All these chances he has given me to try again to be the daughter I want to be for him. I hope it aligns with the daughter he wants me to be because he sure has worked many miracles to keep me around.
Seriously!
So be strong. Be strong enough to not be healed if its his will. He has a plan and it might be missionary work in the spirit world or your spirit mate.
We all have a purpose. we all have timeline for it.
Some get many chances like me but others may not. Heavenly Father takes you at your best. You don't.
A lil tidbit
You know it all sounds bad but I think it made me strong.
When I was in the military One of the Drill Sergeants hated my guts and I did not know because I seriously admired him to pieces. He was a short little man who was super strong. Turns out they called me in the office one day to ask why I was not scared of them like the rest of the newbies.
I gave them a checklist.
#1.You have to feed me at least once a day with an MRE I have gone hungry and lived off a candy bar and a soda for a long time.
#2. You Have to provide a roof over my head even if its a tent. I have been homeless and slept on fairground bleachers and it was cold.
#3. You cant hit me like they use to. My grandpa is deaf in one ear from his basic training and I still decided to join. If you do decide to hit me. you will meet my mom and no one is as scary as my mom. They stopped picking on me after that.
End of tidbit
My mother in law has asked to me journal about losing my will to live when I was suffering. She thinks I was strong and will encourage others but folks here is the truth. I seriously felt I was a burden and that my disease made tired and stressed and fell easier to temptation. I could not keep a temple like home.
Put anything to my marriage and my child who had soo much energy was sleeping from taking care of her mama and her father who thought she was to step up and take care of my half of the chores.I may not of physically tried to take my life but I went to bed hoping I would not wake up and went to surgery feeling safe to go to the spirit world. Which I think freaked my husbands mom out the most, Including the fact that I have journals all over the house with testimonies or letters to her just incase and was done years before diagnoses of my disease.This is what I figure.1. I was probably in need of atonement really bad before he could take me at the time.2. I was not educated enough to teach in the spirit world yet.Heres what else I know.
In my life. I have drowned twice that I remember and one time died. I know I visited my uncle levert who told me it was not my time yet and to go back and lots of people who looked similar to grandma greeted me. They wanted me stay, but go, and told me they loved me, and would be waiting. I floated back down and I watched my mom give up on giving me CPR and my sister take over.
I don't remember what it was I did. I do remember hearing hearing the metal scrape. The cold round spot on my head. The loud clack that caused me to pee my pants with then made her cock it and pull the trigger several more times and then yell at about she thought he kept it loaded and he apologized that he cleaned it the night before. When she realized I wet myself carried me by my hair to the shower where she hurriedly took off my clothes and stabbed my stomach with her fingernail and I got in trouble for getting blood everywhere. I have a scar from that puncture.
YEP, My step dad always kept it loaded. He had cleaned it the night before and forgot to reload it. He did not know why my mom was yelling at him about it not being loaded when he told her that. She tried to keep it secret of what she done except I had peed my pants. So she was trying to get me bathe super fast to wash my clothes and hide what she had done. In the process she stabbed me with her nail while jerking me around. What real bad is I have no idea what I did. I do remember thinking it was because I was not a boy and my step dad favored boys ( according to my mom). Thats why I was always acting like a tom boy. The more of a boy I was the happier and more satisfied my mother was.
I was almost ran over by a car once. I say almost because an angel lifted me up and over the car and gently set me down. I remember feeling the voice saying jump I got you. I remember the man stopping his car and seeing I was perfectly fine and I told him of the angel and he agreed it was.
I Have over dosed. I no longer was loved by anyone. I was just there. My brother told me he hated me. My mother. Her x husband accused me it was because of me she found out he was cheating with my best friend's mom. I cant remember what else it was pretty sad. My brother who hated me saved my life. I remembered all those times mom refused to take me to the hospital. My ear half torn or what not and thought," man I bettered think of something quick so they don't hospitalize me." So I said I was trying to get rid of a cold faster. Epicac and charcoal. Good stuff. NOT!
ok lets skip all the in between stuff there is lots more lets get to more recent.
The poison that may of most likely help trigger my disease. I was sick for two week's but sad for her I lived. It weakened my immune system so much I got adult chicken pox. There called something else.
My disease eating my body left raw meat exposed. This in turn causes toxicity. Heavenly father heard my prayers and sent me ideas for diets and people to help with that.Those diets kept my body flushed and even nutrition and vitamins were actually leaking out of my body the diet kept me alive.(this is an assumption and may change as I learn more which happens often and I get more facts in and the miracle becomes more clear )
Surgeon saves me from toxicity. At this time I have a never ending yeast infection. Occasionally treated for staph that was normal stuff that couldn't hurt anyone but my body refused to fight it.
I woke every day. I was inspired to live. I always felt loved even when I was exhausted. He just didn't take me though he could have but he continually told me have faith in me. You have a purpose. Be strong for me. I know your pain.
On the surgery table my anesthesiologist had to work with my now teeny body that was last weighed when I was heavier. A nurse sat by my bed and reminded me to breath it was not my time to go. I must of listened...or did I and I was not allowed to go?
However I do feel my time is soon. The lord tells me this healing is temporary. He tells me to prepare my family and my home. He must be telling my mother in law as well.
All these chances he has given me to try again to be the daughter I want to be for him. I hope it aligns with the daughter he wants me to be because he sure has worked many miracles to keep me around.
Seriously!
So be strong. Be strong enough to not be healed if its his will. He has a plan and it might be missionary work in the spirit world or your spirit mate.
We all have a purpose. we all have timeline for it.
Some get many chances like me but others may not. Heavenly Father takes you at your best. You don't.
A lil tidbit
You know it all sounds bad but I think it made me strong.
When I was in the military One of the Drill Sergeants hated my guts and I did not know because I seriously admired him to pieces. He was a short little man who was super strong. Turns out they called me in the office one day to ask why I was not scared of them like the rest of the newbies.
I gave them a checklist.
#1.You have to feed me at least once a day with an MRE I have gone hungry and lived off a candy bar and a soda for a long time.
#2. You Have to provide a roof over my head even if its a tent. I have been homeless and slept on fairground bleachers and it was cold.
#3. You cant hit me like they use to. My grandpa is deaf in one ear from his basic training and I still decided to join. If you do decide to hit me. you will meet my mom and no one is as scary as my mom. They stopped picking on me after that.
End of tidbit
Growing is HS knowledge pdf.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0By0WQQFkS7TfMGMyU2Y5cXJCSkE/view?usp=sharing
PDF file to this to make it bigger is above the picture.
I was given this file on HS support site that was private we were given permission to share the file to spread awareness of our conditions.
Where to begin??
Where do I begin to even start explaining my life?
My childhood abuse?
My multiple sexual abuses?
My teen years of being pushed away and being homeless?
My life in the Army?
Getting married to an abusive man and not finding out till years later and more after divorce?
Remarrying in an already made family that had no discipline at all?
How many times I have almost died from suicide to attempts on my life?
My first sign and Symptoms of my disease?
Aww lets start There......
A very stressful moment is suppose to trigger my disease. For some its menopause for others its a life challenge.
It all started with what I thought what I found was an ingrown hair.
My condition is called Hidradenitis Suppurativa
When I finally realized that scrubbing it with Epsom salts and plucking or using a pumice stone was not making it better but actually worse I went to see a doctor. I was in fear that I had some how from my past encounters had received a sexually transmitted disease.
Here is a little inside tidbit.
My faith in Heavenly father had only just returned for not very long when I broke out extensively. I was being tested and tried and something was trying really hard for me to continue to stay mad at the Lord. For Three long years I was mad that my children were given to a man who had allegedly raped his sisters, had very strange requests for gratifications, and said he was forced by his father to watch his gratifications in order to become a man. I couldnt believe me who was trying to get right with the lord had her children taken from her and given to a child molester because he was still in the Army and I was not. During my time with him he refused me contact with family and friends and now he has my children and I knew I would never see them again.
My Bishop at the time made the mistake of saying he would help me. All the advice they gave was stuff I had already done on my own. It was not helpful in anyway. I was told to try again and I did with the exact same responses as before. It seemed my Bishops responses of help were just talk and no follow through.
I was mad for three years and fell back into old bad habits and even was given a new temptation..... well it was not new but it was stronger than before and with a vengeance and it was ruining my new marriage.
I came back to the same bishop after my three years of pouting and feeling sorry for myself. I kicked most of my temptations to the curb and told him I was ready to give and receive forgiveness and I had failed my test of Job. The Bishop then said you did not fail your test of Job because you are here and ready to try again that is not failing.
Ok tidbit done
The stronger my faith the faster the disease spread. It got real bad. I was getting blessings. I was praying about finding the right diet. I was obese and cysts were coming through layers of fat and skin and I could not exercise from pain, loss of energy and what I thought was Toxicity causing all my joints to swell. I even went in told my doctor to test me for Lupus. Then finally they decided to put me on pain management regimen when my nerves were being ate away and I had a hole in my body that was not healing that was way bigger than a bullet wound and was very deep. I was on a very strict diet and researched and researched Foods and herbs and probiotics and more with prayer and blessings searching and searching for answers to help me and my body.
After a couple of years and half of my arm and no armpits and holes in my tailbone area I finally found a surgeon willing to remove the damage and perform plastic surgery on my armpits. I know this was a huge blessing because the support forums for my disease I was on my biggest supporters on there several had died from toxicity because they could not get the surgery.
While I was in surgery the doctors could not move my arm to finish the first surgery and they found I had another autoimmune disorder called Cystic Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I am right now currently healing from my surgery. I have ghost pains in my nerves and other areas have no feeling at all. I feel worlds better and cleaner ( even though I shower less now)
My childhood abuse?
My multiple sexual abuses?
My teen years of being pushed away and being homeless?
My life in the Army?
Getting married to an abusive man and not finding out till years later and more after divorce?
Remarrying in an already made family that had no discipline at all?
How many times I have almost died from suicide to attempts on my life?
My first sign and Symptoms of my disease?
Aww lets start There......
A very stressful moment is suppose to trigger my disease. For some its menopause for others its a life challenge.
It all started with what I thought what I found was an ingrown hair.
My condition is called Hidradenitis Suppurativa
When I finally realized that scrubbing it with Epsom salts and plucking or using a pumice stone was not making it better but actually worse I went to see a doctor. I was in fear that I had some how from my past encounters had received a sexually transmitted disease.
Here is a little inside tidbit.
My faith in Heavenly father had only just returned for not very long when I broke out extensively. I was being tested and tried and something was trying really hard for me to continue to stay mad at the Lord. For Three long years I was mad that my children were given to a man who had allegedly raped his sisters, had very strange requests for gratifications, and said he was forced by his father to watch his gratifications in order to become a man. I couldnt believe me who was trying to get right with the lord had her children taken from her and given to a child molester because he was still in the Army and I was not. During my time with him he refused me contact with family and friends and now he has my children and I knew I would never see them again.
My Bishop at the time made the mistake of saying he would help me. All the advice they gave was stuff I had already done on my own. It was not helpful in anyway. I was told to try again and I did with the exact same responses as before. It seemed my Bishops responses of help were just talk and no follow through.
I was mad for three years and fell back into old bad habits and even was given a new temptation..... well it was not new but it was stronger than before and with a vengeance and it was ruining my new marriage.
I came back to the same bishop after my three years of pouting and feeling sorry for myself. I kicked most of my temptations to the curb and told him I was ready to give and receive forgiveness and I had failed my test of Job. The Bishop then said you did not fail your test of Job because you are here and ready to try again that is not failing.
Ok tidbit done
The stronger my faith the faster the disease spread. It got real bad. I was getting blessings. I was praying about finding the right diet. I was obese and cysts were coming through layers of fat and skin and I could not exercise from pain, loss of energy and what I thought was Toxicity causing all my joints to swell. I even went in told my doctor to test me for Lupus. Then finally they decided to put me on pain management regimen when my nerves were being ate away and I had a hole in my body that was not healing that was way bigger than a bullet wound and was very deep. I was on a very strict diet and researched and researched Foods and herbs and probiotics and more with prayer and blessings searching and searching for answers to help me and my body.
After a couple of years and half of my arm and no armpits and holes in my tailbone area I finally found a surgeon willing to remove the damage and perform plastic surgery on my armpits. I know this was a huge blessing because the support forums for my disease I was on my biggest supporters on there several had died from toxicity because they could not get the surgery.
While I was in surgery the doctors could not move my arm to finish the first surgery and they found I had another autoimmune disorder called Cystic Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I am right now currently healing from my surgery. I have ghost pains in my nerves and other areas have no feeling at all. I feel worlds better and cleaner ( even though I shower less now)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)