I went to the Gynacologists on Friday and got bad news. Bad news comes in threes so I also found out my Grandma was in the hospital.This triggered me and caused me to tick off my sister who tells me she respects this womans and I should not be sharing what happened to me by her.
well OOps I am sharing.
This of course had me triggered severely. You see when my mom abandoned me and kicked me out after trying to prostitute me, I went to go live with my Dads mom.
If she did not want me there she should have just said so. I could never do anything right no matter how tried.Whenever something bad happened to me I was told I deserved it.
On the 3 day bus trip to my Grandmas I cleaned up. I stopped smoking and drinking. My family for some reason thinks I was major drug using but actually the reason why my mom kicked me out was because I caught her boyfriend using heroin. All the belts were in his room and all the spoons in the house were black.
When I got to my grandmas after living in the situations I was in with my mother I was pregnant. The night I lost the baby I was bleeding so bad I was going through pads like crazy. Did my grandma care? No she tells me she has company and is not going to waste her time taking me to the hospital, That I should get in the tub and let it flow. So I did. I told her I felt something there. She told me to take it out and flush it. So I flushed my baby and cried and I did it alone because I was told I deserved it.
Soon after I was taken to a Gynecologist that my Aunt worked for. I had never seen one before. Now you should know I started being raped at an early age, I just lost this baby, this Gynecologist tells me after an examination that I am virgin so there was no way I lost a baby. I asked him right out if my Aunt paid him to say to that. He refused to discuss anything more with me saying he was going to discuss all my medical with my Aunt. Which is probably a good thing because I was just about to tell him about sexual history of numerous rapes and why I knew he was a huge liar. That out of all those boys that none of them reached their destination?
My Grandma always made everything a competition. She tried talking bad about my sister one time and it was the first time I ever laid into her. She should have known better. She seen me protect my sister against her brother who thought it was funny to tickle us till we peed our pants. This is probably when grandma started her first grudge against me. She got pissed because her brother would not leave my sister alone and she would cry to me at night telling me how he scared her. So I told him the next time he grabbed my sister that no means no.
was my grandma proud I defended my sister, No, I get chewed out the next couple of days about making false accusations against her brother. My grandma would stay in that kitchen even when us kids were crying maybe because we couldnt help but laugh she thought it was funny. Till this day I cant be tickled without defending myself. .I hate being tickled.
Did my grandma get all defensive like that because she knew I was being raped at home or was she just defending her brother like I would my sister?
After defending my sister like that it was always why cant you be more like your sister? I already admired my sister. My sister was one of the strongest people I know. I did need to compete with her because I loved her. But I was always told about why couldnt I get her grades? Why couldnt I be more quiet like my sister? The little rubs all the time. Did she not know the only time my Sister and I saw each other was when WE set it up. Not my dad. My sister would call me telling me she did not want to be alone with Dads wife but wanted to see dad and could I please come and stay too. Of course I loved my angel kissed sister and could not tell her no, But grandma always spoke to me like she was trying to drive a wedge between us.
but she did not have to worry I did that all on my own just speaking the facts about her because my sister likes my grandmas lies and manipulations.
She was not the major disappointment or as Grandma told me I disgrace the Gibson name.
Grandma ended up saying something in town about me and she must have ticked that lady off. That lady liked me. She worked at my school and seen me every day. actually seen me and talked to me. At this point I was only spoken to by grandma to be scolded or told how disappointing I was. The lady tells me. Get her to tell you the story of how she met your grandpa. Pay attention to the dates. Grandma married Grandpa after a couple of months of knowing him because she was already pregnant.
well after that her telling me I was disgracing my Grandpas last name was not going to fly with me. I asked her if my uncle was grandpas and she told me to ask Grandpa. I don't think she thought he knew. because Grandpa Said " I love him like you love your step dad" OH wow. All of a sudden she was so mad I asked Grandpa. How dare I upset him like that. What? weird. Grandpa was very calm about it. but I think I was getting chewed out because she did not expect he knew or she thought he would lie to me.
Anyways I know I never said anything to anyone about it. I did tell everyone I was surprised to see my Uncle alive because soon after that incident my Grandma told me my uncle died in Germany of Aids.
I think he must have questioned it or something.
However I am told he was Smart and confronted Grandma Sisters about who she thought his dad was because either Grandma would not tell him or he was too smart and too scared to ask her.
Its funny after I kicked out my Aunts and Uncles told me how lucky I was I was not treated like they were as kids. Man oh man. I am surprised my Aunts and Uncles are sane.I was whipped with the belt 1 time while I was there and I knew I deserved it. I played the piano while Grandpa was watching the news. Whewee.He wacked me 3 times because he said he would do it till I cried out. so I faked it. My heart was hurt and what hurt most was that grandpa would do that to me. I was more shell shocked to first two wacks. but at least I knew why I was being hit which was something I had never experienced before.I did not cry because it hurt I cried because I broke my heart. I was petrified Grandpa was going to hate me like everyone else did.
