The Magical Cervix

 I went to the Gynacologists on Friday and got bad news. Bad news comes in threes so I also found out my Grandma was in the hospital.This triggered me and caused me to tick off my sister who tells me she respects this womans and I should not be sharing what happened to me by her. 

well OOps I am sharing.

This of course had me triggered severely. You see when my mom abandoned me and kicked me out after trying to prostitute me, I went to go live with my Dads mom.

If she did not want me there she should have just said so. I could never do anything right no matter how tried.Whenever something bad happened to me I was told I deserved it.
On the 3 day bus trip to my Grandmas I cleaned up. I stopped smoking and drinking. My family for some reason thinks I was major drug using but actually the reason why my mom kicked me out was because I caught her boyfriend using heroin. All the belts were in his room and all the spoons in the house were black.

When I got to my grandmas after living in the situations I was in with my mother I was pregnant. The night I lost the baby I was bleeding so bad I was going through pads like crazy. Did my grandma care? No she tells me she has company and is not going to waste her time taking me to the hospital, That I should get in the tub and let it flow. So I did. I told her I felt something there. She told me to take it out and flush it. So I flushed my baby and cried and I did it alone because I was told I deserved it. 

Soon after I was taken to a Gynecologist that my Aunt worked for. I had never seen one before. Now you should know I started being raped at an early age, I just lost this baby, this Gynecologist tells me after an examination that I am virgin so there was no way I lost a baby. I asked him right out if my Aunt paid him to say to that. He refused to discuss anything more with me saying he was going to discuss all my medical with my Aunt. Which is probably a good thing because I was just about to tell him about sexual history of numerous rapes and why I knew he was a huge liar. That out of all those boys that none of them reached their destination?

My Grandma always made everything a competition. She tried talking bad about my sister one time and it was the first time I ever laid into her. She should have known better. She seen me protect my sister against her brother who thought it was funny to tickle us till we peed our pants. This is probably when grandma started her first grudge against me. She got pissed because her brother would not leave my sister alone and she would cry to me at night telling me how he scared her. So I told him the next time he grabbed my sister that no means no.
was my grandma proud I defended my sister, No, I get chewed out the next couple of days about making false accusations against her brother. My grandma would stay in that kitchen even when us kids were crying maybe because we couldnt help but laugh she thought it was funny.  Till this day I cant be tickled without defending myself. .I hate being tickled.
Did my grandma get all defensive like that because she knew I was being raped at home or was she just defending her brother like I would my sister?

After defending my sister like that it was always why cant you be more like your sister? I already admired my sister. My sister was one of the strongest people I know. I did need to compete with her because I loved her. But I was always told about why couldnt I get her grades? Why couldnt I be more quiet like my sister? The little rubs all the time. Did she not know the only time my Sister and I saw each other was when WE set it up. Not my dad. My sister would call me telling me she did not want to be alone with Dads wife but wanted to see dad and could I please come and stay too. Of course I loved my angel kissed sister and could not tell her no, But grandma always spoke to me like she was trying to drive a wedge between us.
but she did not have to worry I did that all on my own just speaking the facts about her because my sister likes my grandmas lies and manipulations. 
She was not the major disappointment or as Grandma told me I disgrace the Gibson name.
Grandma ended up saying something in town about me and she must have ticked that lady off. That lady liked me. She worked at my school and seen me every day. actually seen me and talked to me. At this point I was only spoken to by grandma to be scolded or told how disappointing I was. The lady tells me. Get her to tell you the story of how she met your grandpa. Pay attention to the dates. Grandma married Grandpa after a couple of months of knowing him because she was already pregnant.
well after that her telling me I was disgracing my Grandpas last name was not going to fly with me. I asked her if my uncle was grandpas and she told me to ask Grandpa. I don't think she thought he knew. because Grandpa Said " I love him like you love your step dad" OH wow. All of a sudden she was so mad I asked Grandpa. How dare I upset him like that. What? weird. Grandpa was very calm about it. but I think I was getting chewed out because she did not expect he knew or she thought he would lie to me.
Anyways I know I never said anything to anyone about it. I did tell everyone I was surprised to see my Uncle alive because soon after that incident my Grandma told me my uncle died in Germany of Aids. 
I think he must have questioned it or something. 
However I am told he was Smart and confronted Grandma Sisters about who she thought his dad was because either Grandma would not tell him or he was too smart and too scared to ask her.
Its funny after I kicked out my Aunts and Uncles told me how lucky I was I was not treated like they were as kids. Man oh man. I am surprised my Aunts and Uncles are sane.I was whipped with the belt 1 time while I was there and I knew I deserved it. I played the piano while Grandpa was watching the news. Whewee.He wacked me 3 times because he said he would do it till I cried out. so I faked it. My heart was hurt and what hurt most was that grandpa would do that to me. I was more shell shocked to first two wacks. but at least I knew why I was being hit which was something I had never experienced before.I did not cry because it hurt I cried because I broke my heart. I was petrified Grandpa was going to hate me like everyone else did.

Not my will, but thine, Be Done

Not My Will, but Thine, Be Done

My third example highlights the importance of recognizing and accepting the will of God in our lives. Several years ago there was a young father who had been active in the Church as a boy but had chosen a different path during his teenage years. After serving in the military, he married a lovely girl, and soon children blessed their home.

One day without warning their little four-year-old daughter became critically ill and was hospitalized. In desperation and for the first time in many years, the father was found on his knees in prayer, asking that the life of his daughter be spared. Yet her condition worsened. Gradually, this father sensed that his little girl would not live, and slowly his prayers changed; he no longer prayed for healing but rather for understanding. “Let Thy will be done” was now the manner of his pleadings.

Soon his daughter was in a coma, and the father knew her hours on earth were few. Fortified with understanding, trust, and power beyond their own, the young parents prayed again, asking for the opportunity to hold her close once more while she was awake. The daughter’s eyes opened, and her frail arms reached out to her parents for one final embrace. And then she was gone. This father knew their prayers had been answered—a kind, compassionate Father in Heaven had comforted their hearts. God’s will had been done, and they had gained understanding. (Adapted from H. Burke Peterson, “Adversity and Prayer,” Ensign, Jan. 1974, 18.)

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/04/ask-in-faith?lang=eng&_r=1

College place

I was just thinking of me in my teens. many people do not know I was for a short time living in a house with drugs going in and out of it. People bragged about their shroom or acid trips and all the spoons in the house had permanent black stains on them. Every belt in the house was stashed in one room.
I was encouraged to drink and forced to smoke pot.
We lived with several people who were released from jail for being con artist.
I am writing this in hopes of getting over some deep dark nasties in my life so you may not want to read this if you are a part of my family.
1. I was forced to drugs
2. I was allowed to have sex
3. My mother's boyfriend tried to force himself on me and when I escaped he raced back to mom and said I hit on him and told him I was going to tell my mom he forced himself on me if he did not have sex with me. My mother believed him.
4. my mother had sex with my boyfriend in the very same room I was in  and told me I deserved it.
5.The people in my house pulled a con a nursing home. They switched out a will and testiment to a woman they said they put asleep by giving her too much morphine.
I found out about it by reading the typewriter tape my mom had only thrown in the trash can.when my mother was trying to destroy evidence. I laughed at her and told her they could use her typewriter as evidence by comparing the typed letters. So she made me go outside and burn the tape and they smashed her typewriter and threw it away.
That night my moms boyfriend who was supposedly a champion boxer in prison comes up to me and threatens me that I bettered never talk or he would use his boxing skills on me. He told me he was not going to move unless I said I would never tell and I understood he was a threat. I said prove it. He raised his fists and did the same jab maneuver he always did and I ducked and weaved and then walked right into him throwing out both my hands shoved him like he was a heavy bolder. I was a farm girl and he was a tiny man. He went flying backwards and through a window to the outside. I yelled at him do not ever threaten me again. My mom comes running in yelling at me protecting her boyfriend. He was the adult I am the kid and she is still yelling at me when he started the fight. Fortunately my moms boyfriend who i think also peed his pants said he deserved because he threw the first punch. Started talking about how he was impressed because no one had ever gotten by him in prison and he did not go easy on me. while he was telling my mom all this I went grabbed all the stuff my mom had gave me ripped up took it outside and threw on the fire. Then I grabbed a pack of smokes and went on a walk where I was stopped by the cops who were not concerned if I was ok they threatened to give me a fine for smoking and were ticked I was ignoring them.
I went to a park ran into an old boyfriend who made it very clear he found me disgusting because I smoked. That did not make me feel better so I headed back home. There were police cars in front of the house. Then they left as I was showing up. The house reeked of pot and my mom's boyfriend was all laughing and bragging about having the cops in the palms of his hands and they had been sitting there smoking a bowl with them till a call dragged them off somewhere else and they would not be bugging me about smoking anymore.
They even helped my mom board up her window.

Living Beyond ‘What If?’ By Cambry Kaylor- LINK

https://www.lds.org/blog/living-beyond-what-if?lang=eng

Elder Koichi Aoyagi

Constellations

I remember as a kid looking at what my granpa told me were angel kisses all over my body. Moles and freckles. It was around the time I was learning about constellations. If they were angel kisses that made a lot of sense to me because several of my freckles looked exactly like my favorite constellations.
My mom caught me in the tub several times with pens or markers connecting the dots trying to see just how much my body aligned with the stars.

This thought came to me when i realized a major mole was removed during the reshaping of my armpits. They were worried it was going to be cancerous from an early age because it kept getting so big. I do not miss the big mole and Thankfully while in the shower suffering from anxiety and grief of my missing body parts I realize now that looking at the constellations on my arm without even acknowledging why or that what it was had brought me comfort.

now here is something else quite strange. The constellation on my arm happens to be on the state flag I now reside in. I wonder if I Christ had a star that led to him if people followed this constellation if it would lead them to me. No I am not claiming to be any near what he is but I fancy any similarities. I am always looking for signs that he is thinking of me and loves me. I am hoping I am always trying to show him the same.

I also remember sharing with my half sister my constellations and we discussed our angel kisses because my sister is a red head and she was not as fond of hers as I am of mine. I told her oh she had so many more angels looking after her than I did and she was really loved. we found out them we also had matching or extremely very similar birthmarks. which of course was very exciting being half sisters made us feel more of a bond with each other.

I grew up surrounded by red heads covered with angel kisses I was a blonde and what made mine special was that mine were constellations.

You asked for disease?..... hehe YEP, sort of

I had prayed to loose weight and to do anything that would motivate me to do so.

I prayed to ease Christs burden in anyway I could if I can take upon his name let me help take upon his pain. Yes I am aware we do not have to go that far because his suffering already happened but I also think that That the beginning and the end knows all and he may of known and I was willing and eased it for his son. Though I know its probably not the point but it my way of showing of affection and it gives me strength. I know heavenly father has his purpose for me but this is my way of feeling like I am fulfilling a purpose too. No matter what I know my pain and endurance is righteous even if its fulfilling only heavenly fathers plan.

I also asked that all family curses ( if there is a such thing) would end with me. To help stop the long line of abuse and other illnesses and give it all to me so my child could live a Happy life. She is not exactly healthy either having Schonlein Purpura and allergies to dust mites and few animals plus ADHD and few learning challenges and extreme learning strengths.

I will continue to add on here as I remember them. I am sure there is more and that is the reason why Heavenly Father felt that I could handle it and serve his purpose for me even if it was absorbency of pain for others. A gift which I felt I always had.